the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
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just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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