There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
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Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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