i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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