She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
