census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
