I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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