Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This is the high leading the old right now
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
