she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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