i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
