I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
