If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
