How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
my poor anus
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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