I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
