My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize