last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
