My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
