My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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