I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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