I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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