Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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