Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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