tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this will be a night to untag.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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