dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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