True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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