there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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