I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
