I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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