3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
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i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
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Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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