high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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