Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
