Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
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Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
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my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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