I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
