Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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