why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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