Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
