had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
