I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
