talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
