i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
