hell yes lets make some ravioli
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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