i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
