So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
