Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Are my feet made of real feet?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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