You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
