he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize