I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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