He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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