I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
