Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
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His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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