she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
