just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
