Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
